Friday 12 November 2010

My Nip Tuck In Tedious Detail


This believe it or not is an improvement

Well I survived my stay in hospital and I have a new metal face to prove it.

Day One

06:00a.m

I get up and get ready for the day, this doesn't take long as I'm forbidden from eating and everything's already packed so all I need to do is shower. Krys has been kindly agreed to drive me in this morning despite the unsocial hour so we set of at 6:30 just in-case there are any traffic surprises to deal with.

07:00a.m

No traffic issues and I'm at Hutt Hospital, I'm early but not McDowall early (a special measure of early that varies directly with importance of event; a casual coffee being at the small end of the scale counts as being ten minutes early; catching a flight entails at least five hours of earliness - I once was over a day early for a flight but that was more to do with crossing date lines than anything else). I arrive in the ward and I'm told to take a seat but no sooner has my bum hit the cushion than I'm being escorted into my specific ward to begin prep-ping for surgery.

13:00p.m

I haven't drank anything since this morning, this is the longest I've water-fasted ever, my head hurts. A nurse gives me some gowns and tells me to get dressed as I should be up soon.

14:00p.m

I've been wheeled down to the theatre rooms and I'm waiting for the previous patient (pronounced PASH-SHENT by the transfer nurse) to vacate so I can get done. The transfer nurse has confused England and Scotland so I'm fielding questions about cricket and whatnot with as much grace as one possibly can in such a situation.

**Shudder**


14:30p.m

I'm on the table and the anesthetist has spiked my vein and is preparing to put me to sleep. I'm given some gas which I'm told will make me woozy while they inject the anesthetic which will put me to sleep. For some reason I take this as a challenge and decide that I'm going to fight the anethetic and stay awake as long as possible like a child who doesn't want to go to bed.

14:30:02p.m

Andy is completely unconscious and oblivious to everything around him.

17:30p.m

I'm waking up somewhere (in the waiting area I think) and I'm taken back up to the ward. I feel clammy, disorientated, and clammy. I get some water which I find almost impossible to get out of the glass as I can neither generate the suction nessecary to get it through the straw nor contain the liquid within the confines of my mouth long enough to actually swallow it.

19:00p.m

I spent the next few hours in and out of sleep. A nurse gives me double ice-cream and jelly and I'm starting to feel a bit more human.

During the surgery I seem to have developed an awesome neck bruise that surrounds my head like one of those Tudor frills but made out of jaundiced looking flesh; weirdly this disappears overnight.

20:30p.m

I'm sleepy but not sleepy enough to actually sleep - plus the guy in the corner is watching Iron Man 2 while simultaneously hosting a coven of Maori women - so I put my ipod and listen to some podcasts in the hope that I'll be lulled to sleep by the sounds of Frank Skinner and Dave Gorman. This nearly works except for just as I'm nodding off some machine Iron Man 2 guy is hooked up to starts bleeping - its a portable vacuum thing that he forgot to put back on to charge.

22:30p.m

Still awake I continue listening to pod casts and nearly succeed again in getting to sleep. Again Iron Man starts bleeping, apparently he's been out for a fag and has made the same mistake again.

23:30p.m

Nearly to sleep again, this time Iron Man seemingly has a hypnagogic jerk and wakes me up again.

Day Two

08:15a.m

It's morning and the good news is that we all should be able to go home today. I'm showered and dressed and sent down to see the dentist for a painful check-up which all goes okay.

12:00p.m

I've been given the all clear and I'm free to go. I'm feeling pretty strong so I decide to forgo the offers of transport I've been given and take public transport instead. This also gives me the opportunity to score some drugs and pick up groceries on the way back.

I spend most of the rest of the day at home either sleeping or bleeding out my nose.

Day Three

The general swelling in my mouth has gone down overnight leaving only swelling in places where modifications have been made to my mouth. This is good and bad. It's good in that my face is less puffed out and some feeling is starting to return to my mouth. It's bad in that now my tongue is free to explore more of what's been done. The swelling has, so far, stopped me from seeing what's been done to my mouth/jaw but now my tongue can sort of feel part of it and it makes me quite nauseous.

I've consumed more drugs today than I did yesterday and had many showers to try and shift the general icky feeling I've had all day. Had a shave, that didn't help, just hurt.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

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