McDowall Early

In a previous blog I touched on the concept of 'McDowall Earliness' which is a genetic defect that causes McDowalls to arrive stupidly early for any given appointment. Just how early varies proportionately with the importance of the event:

So the more trivial things in life demand less earliness; project meetings require five minutes of waiting in an empty room before anyone else turns up, meeting friends at the cinema necessitates at least fifteen minutes of hanging around, while an international flight ends up with a full two hours going by before the check-in desk even opens.

It should be pointed out that this earliness is a naturally occurring phenomenon and is totally beyond the control of the sufferer. It is impossible for me to arrive late for things like interviews or doctors appointments no matter how close I attempt to cut it. If, say, I had a dentists appointment at 12:00 and it takes 15 minutes to walk then I'd leave at 11:45, yet due to some complex and imaginary physics I'd still arrive at the dentists at 11:42 and have to wait an extra 18 minutes on top of the obligatory 30 minutes that I'd wait anyway.

The only real way for me to be late for something is to either set off after the appointment, or to get the dates/times wrong [writers tip: this sentence is an example of a technique called foreshadowing].

Well today I had a hospital appointment - which ranks at around 7.4 on the importance scale, so I'd probably be around 20 minutes early. The first mistake I made was not to properly read the appointment card: the allotted time was not 14:00 so my brain concluded that the appointment was at 14:30, had my brain been less lazy it would have read the remaining two digits and discovered the correct appointment time of 14:10.

So with my safety net gone I waited for the bus into town which to my surprise turned up on time albeit with a 'Not in Service' notice on the front. Fifteen minutes later I'm on the next bus which is full of old people and smells faintly of urine. Realising I'm cutting it fine for my connecting bus I get agitated by the number of slow embarkers getting on the bus - elderly people and mothers with pushchairs.

Not to worry I reach the bus stop just in time to flag down the bus that should get me to the hospital. My first clue that it wasn't exactly the bus I needed was when it didn't go exactly the way I expected, the second clue was when it stopped in an unfamiliar part of town with me being the only passenger. As it turns out the bus was only doing a partial service so it didn't go to the hospital.

That's okay I've still got ten minutes until my appointment, I ask the driver the way to the hospital and she tells which direction to walk in. I starts walking but I'm concerned that I can't see the hospital which is normally pretty inconspicuous being a multi-storey building in a relatively flat neighbourhood.

I decide to run, and pretty soon after I decide to stop running as:

1. It's 20 degrees outside and I'm wearing thick jeans.
2. Running is hurting my skull.
3. I don't know where I'm actually going.

Thinking outside of the box I ask a passer by for directions, they say it's quite complicated and recommend doubling back and getting a bus. So I double back but don't know which bus to get so I set off to find a taxi which I wee while later gets me to my destination.

I'm sweaty, tired, and late but at least I've made it. I report to reception and the nurse seems confused, I show them my appointment card and my second mistake is unveiled. The second mistake I made was not to properly read the appointment card: the appointment is for December and I have just achieved a new record for earliness - one whole month; all it cost me was $30 and my dignity.